live your life girl

Fifteen years ago, I moved back to Columbus after spending a few rough years in Indianapolis. I went through so many challenges and growth, I fell in love and imagined a whole life there, with him, and then one day it was done. It was one of the toughest times of my life.  I remember crying when I saw the Ohio state line on my way across the border near Richmond. Even though I was still heartbroken I allowed myself let go of my Indy life and look forward to my new chapter back in Ohio. I vowed to live my life girl 100%, before I even knew what live your life girl meant to me. I knew I would never settle for someone’s indecisive feelings for me again, even if that meant never fully opening my heart. I thought I let go at the border, but I carry those thoughts with me still today and recently I have felt that maybe I am still carrying my Indy heartbreak too. And in turn have not been living my life girl with it still lingering.

According to my Astrology app “The Pattern” I have been in this phase for the last 19 years, yikes. When I do math, it lines up almost perfectly to when I started on a new career path in the service industry – 2 years before I moved to Indy. It states that “By closing one door, you can clear space for something new ahead of you.” It goes on to say it’s my choice to close doors yadda yadda and I don’t have to close those doors, but if I don’t then my new cycle can’t begin, and I will continue to live my life girl in a stuck state of mind. It’s like karmic blackmail. This insight started in March and ends, well now. I think I first noticed it in April – each time I visit the app I see the “Completion” insight pop up which is like a horoscope message. It has to be said that the timing is incredible. I started looking at Florida houses in March and now I am here attempting to start a new chapter. The universe is creepy sometimes. The message is the same message and each time I read it, over the last 9 months, I feel something a little different. Even this morning as I looked for it to post this blog, I discovered a different take on the message. This morning it led me to think of the new space I am filling in my Florida home and things I am still letting go of from my Ohio home that no longer fit. I have been doing great at clearing furniture, clothes and junk from my home, but I haven’t felt that release of closing out, letting go or clearing space. I still feel a bit cluttered.  I know that getting rid of physical items does help clear old energy, but I have a sneaky suspicion – ok who am I kidding I know I am just delaying what I truly need to do. Which is to start working on clearing space in heart, but maybe I will get to that next year. I am not too proud to admit that I am afraid. I am afraid to start clearing space and close those doors on old cycles and patterns. I am afraid to clear that heartbreak that still lingers in the dark corners. What if I forget how wonderful it felt to be loved? What if I forget how he made me laugh or how safe it felt to be with him? I want to hold on to all the happy feelings, but I know that I must let it all go if I want to clear those feelings of self-doubt and loneliness, fear and unworthiness that he made me feel too. I want to make space for this new chapter, but what if I can’t quite let go of my life from 15 years ago.

It has been 6 months in Florida, and I have spent many days thinking of my life in Indianapolis. Why was my time in Indy coming back to me so clearly? Why did I keep thinking of our life we had and the painful memories I tried to leave at border. What is the connection between now and then? This morning, I closed my eyes and meditated over Indy and the present. I still couldn’t make the connection until I got flashes of last year. Flashes of those same feelings of loneliness and self-doubt. It was clear the universe was trying to show me that closing doors on these feelings had served me well. I cleared many dark feelings I experienced last year when I set my intentions to move. I told myself, just as I did when I left Indy, I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I need to live my life girl with purpose not in someone else’s story. I told myself I wanted to feel again, and I knew moving and starting new could help me do that. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out the similarities between my moves out of state, but I thought I had gotten over those feelings 15 years ago. And now I second guess whether I really did let go of those feeling I had last year or if they were just lingering in the dark corners with Indy.

Timing is an incredible thing. Today is the last day of 2024. The last new moon and a wonderful time to set intentions – a powerful time, karmically speaking. So, considering this great time, I will set my intention to live my life girl 100% – again. And if I have to set this intention every new moon every new year for the rest of my life to remind myself that I am worthy, incredible, smart, sexy and all the other things JMFP is – I will.  No one should feel their life is aimless or that they don’t deserve to be loved again or feel safe again. I realize that I don’t have to forget everything about him to clear space for something new.  Maybe the karmic blackmail works. I truly am looking forward to saying goodbye to the last phase and moving into a bright new phase. I will still think of my time in Indy and Ohio with love, but I can’t wait to open the door to my life in Florida and live my life girl warming my face in the sun.