live your life girl

Three hundred sixty-six days ago today I celebrated my 44^th birthday in Pensacola, Florida at my parents’ home. They retired to the Sunshine State 4 years ago during the summer of 2020. A year where life seemed too short not to follow your dreams, passions or start that weird sourdough hobby that you know you all thought about. I purchased my first home that same year and started a new chapter of my own. I envisioned sharing my home with a lifelong partner but ended up rooming with a good friend who needed a place to land and a couple cats who brightened the lock down days.  I had visited my parents at least twice a year since their retirement and every visit my mother would ask “So, when are you moving down here?” and I would say “I just can’t see myself here. I have a whole life in Ohio.” And I did have a whole life in Ohio. Friends, lovers, my home, history, the past with all the pain.

For the trip last year, I followed my routine and packed my cutest suits and like always coordinated all my outfits and accessories to my vacation color palate. I couldn’t wait to ring in another year sipping margaritas by their pool. The trip was pleasant, and we filled it with beach and pool and drinks and drives and I finally broke down and toured an open house. Like every other trip my mother asked the question, but this time I said, “maybe I could live here”. I told her “Maybe we can drive a couple neighborhoods to see what’s available?”  This solo vacation was everything I wanted, but I did not account for the dark cloud that caught up to me that trip. The dark cloud over my aura must have snuck into my checked bag and hid where the Florida sun could not reach it. Over the past several months I could feel something in my life starting to shift and I knew at this moment I could not ignore the feeling. Maybe the shift is what made me change my answer. This visit, the 44^th birthday visit, made me realize that the “whole life” I had in Ohio wasn’t the life I wanted. That dark cloud in my aura was depression and sadness and paralyzing loneliness.  I was watching my closest friends grow into their lives and I was standing still. Not moving forward and not looking back. I wasn’t living my life girl at all, I was surviving. And I hated, correction hate being still in my life. I need a goal, an aspiration. Something to look forward to, something to keep my head focused to help me learn more. Something to help me live my life girl.

The next day, my birthday, I had so many thoughts, thoughts about how I would be travelling back to Ohio the next day to live my sad life girl and thoughts about how I may have had too many sips the day before but the most significant was the thought of the open house we toured a few days prior. As I toured the new construction home, blocks from the city center, I could sense my aura breaking through the dark cloud.  I could feel that I could really live here. I envisioned where my desk would go and how I would decorate my bedroom, where my cats could watch the neighborhood and what I cook for dinner. I felt somber on my birthday consumed with thoughts of change and hope. I remember I broke down a little at dinner when I shared with my parents that I wasn’t happy in Ohio and that maybe moving here was a reality I needed to explore.  The next day I flew back to my whole life in Ohio and all I could think about was living in Pensacola. I thought about how I would sell my condo, how I would say goodbye to treasured friends and even how I would get my life across the country. I thought about it so much over this past year the risks, the reasons I shouldn’t go, all the reasons I should. I even had a couple panic attacks about telling my manicurist and hair stylist that I was moving, how would I ever replace such amazing women in my life. I thought about it over the last 366 days and so much that I moved here a week ago to live my sunny life girl.

Even though I still have a few lingering clouds in my view I feel the sunshine through me, and I know this is home. It has been quite a journey over the last year from touring that first open house until pulling into my parents’ home with Leo & Claire in tow. Now, in my first full week I toured a few houses and look forward to finding my new home where I can decorate my bedroom and see the cats watch their neighborhood and cook my first dinner. I may be standing still for the next month or two, but I feel like I can finally take a breath and live my life girl. During this process I have learned so much, even at 45, about myself and others in my world. We never stop learning who we are or about those that truly love and appreciate you. There are special people that will always be there to dry your tears, hug you tight and meditate over you, sneak a card into your purse or let you have a panic attack at the last moment and still love you. They will love you because you live your life girl just the way you were meant to. Someone reminded me that I may look for the light in others but I am a light to those who love me. I will live my sunny life girl for those special people and be sure to keep my light bright even when the clouds roll in.