live your life girl

The phrase has been written about – at least every 6 months in Cosmo- made into movies, blogs, articles, books, debated about, manifested by thousands maybe millions of women, I don’t have that data right now so don’t hold me to it. Even Google brings up articles about “How to have it all” and “What does it really mean to have it all”. I know a little about this because the women in my family and most of my friends and acquaintances have at some point aspired to have it all. My Grandmother’s version maybe was little different as she spanned her life and maybe sitting in her screened in porch overlooking her gorgeous garden at sunset on the farm was it. My Mother always has it all – she loves quantity – more friends, more favors for neighbors, more statement necklaces, one more drink, one more snack, more hugs, more signs that tell her what room she’s in and don’t forget she raised me to go to “go to college, get a good job, have family”. Nothing wrong with that but it wasn’t my definition of a happy life or having it all.  My sister struggled with the pressures of having a great job, raising a family, beautiful house, healthy marriage and one day she realized she was missing out on time with her family while she drove home from work in the dark. She made changes to really find her purpose and give up that “good” job so she could be present.  My aunt was always my role model for having it all. She was a boss, she wore designer clothes, she drove a nice car, she had a cool boyfriend – now my uncle – and a family in her 40’s. Her life is how I have modeled parts of my life – she follows the rules but at the same time she made her own to have it all in the end.

I look at my life now, at 44, and I don’t wish for anything. I have a great home that keeps me cool in the summer and warm in the winter, a great job that pays well and allows me to travel to amazing places, I have 2 cats that cuddle with me, I have an awesome neighbor and caring friends, a good relationship with my family, the right amount of credit card debt that allows me to impulse buy anything I feel inclined to buy, I can have amazing sex at least twice a week if choose to do so, I can order out, have groceries delivered, drink wine on my deck past midnight on a weeknight and I can live my life girl anyway I want to.

What occurred to me recently other than, I am one fortunate bitch is that I was still kinda sad, I thought what don’t I have? What is it that I need to make me happy? I feel like I do have it all and maybe, stay with me, I have too much.  I know it’s crazy right? I felt guilty, and privileged and was this just good karma coming back to me. Who has amazing sex twice a week and can drink past midnight on a weeknight and then complains about it?  I know what you are thinking, and I have trained your well, Live your life girl. Something that I didn’t have was a sense of inner peace, love for myself, for my body that protects my soul. Too deep for you? Now is your time to leave the blog.

During the last 3 years I covered my insecurities with stuff and travel and distractions. I still felt like I needed more. Pandemic or not I was in a place in my life that I could, so I did. But what was the “more” I needed. I had it all. I wasn’t limiting myself at all with anything. I want I buy it – as Ariana says. I wasn’t disciplining myself at all. In other words, I was feral. Living my life girl wild and free. I forgot what it was to want something and work for it and reward myself for accomplishing something. I was letting myself have ice cream after every meal because I could. I have no routine, no work out ethic, no only drink on weekends goal. So, what happens when I do add a few guidelines? I’d call them boundaries, but my feral sisters might get spooked and scatter. What happens if I finish those projects, I started planning 2 years ago? What happens if I pushed myself a little out of my comfort zone and didn’t treat myself with ice cream after every meal? What happens if I said no to happy hour because I had an 8am meeting that I wanted to be super fresh for? What would happen if I put my Amazon ordering on freeze for 30 days? Shhhh don’t tell Bezos. But honestly – would I find room to allow myself to let some peace in, some love into my soul? Would limiting myself from anything I want help me appreciate life a little more?

There are a lot of questions, and you don’t have to answer them. It was just a thought about how I could really have it all. And not the social media version. I want the fear and the tears and the struggle and stress because we know that without the hardships there will never be the reward. The universe will put roadblocks in your way to slow down and pay attention if you don’t allow yourself to appreciate and give gratitude to all that you can…..have. So, life your life girl a little more restricted for 30 days and make room for some extra love for yourself. Give having it all a break for 30 days and maybe you will see that living your life girl is all you really need.